January 01, 2004

010104 the begining of a new year fresh day ahead. didnt went home last year came home during the new year. i am having a splitting headache. this entire week has been a rubbish week for me. accomplish nothing but cried hell alot... it damn painful everytime i cried. i have a girl i loved a lot and liek alot. i hope for her to be my future somebody special. but all in a mess now. my life in a mess. i have her but i cant talk to her, having her is like not having anything. i ask for a break in the begining and i realise i couldnt do that, and when there was a chance to reconcile i blew it. now she asking for a break, DEJA VU. it sucks, i was thinking on my way home, why did i made my life so miserable? i created this mess myself and i cant clear it. shes working now and she staying with her ex, why because she needs a place and i cant find her a place where she can stay at. she using her ex phone why because i cant provide one for her. even worst i seriously dunno what her relationship with him, she cant talk to me when hes around? WTF! she wont answer my call. i need to fucking talk to her. i want to die. serious.... i am even sobbing right now. a relationship shouldnt be like that. she want me to wait for her wait for fuck???? she telling me she feel pressure. i understand because i had that once. but i strive through it she wnts quit.

i dont wan to stop this relationship. it almost my anniversary with her. i dont want to lose her. it one year 10mth and 19 more days to 1 year 11mth. i really hate myself.

GOD TELL me what to do. If i die it means i am running away, but i dont want to and hurt everyday. it hurting me day by day i dunno know how long i can last til i give up. the though been in my mine for a very long time..... it wearing me out....

LaWreNce needed you at 8:25:00 PM

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